My horoscope(s)

Two of the Onion's horoscopes apply to me today. First off, Virgo:

Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.

I also sympathize with Pisces:

Years from now, you still won't be able to figure out why the love of your life left you for a nicer, smarter, better-looking person.

Too bad I'm actually a Cancer.