Come hither

Here's some of the funniest sex advice ever. For added effect, pretend that the answers are being read by "The Ladies' Man" from Saturday Night Live. And now, from Nerve's "Sex Advice From Slam Poets":

Dennis Francis, 32
a.k.a. MAD (Many Attitudes of Dennis)

As a slam poet, you have to be relatively competitive. Say you're at a party: how do you convince someone to go home with you?
Well, first of all, I'd tell them that I have a double mattress, that I'm strictly Sealy Posturepedic. You know, a lot of people believe in cheap mattresses, but I'm incredibly haughty when it comes to them.

Okay. Flow is obviously very important in poetry. Do you prefer a specific rhythm when you're having sex?
I'd have to say haiku.

Haiku?
You know, three lines, seventeen syllables. Flow.

Okay. As a performer, do you like having sex in public?
I've done it onstage.

Really?
Does that include sex with myself?

Of course.
Because sometimes when I'm in the movie theater and the scene gets a little intense, you have your release. Be a little free like that. You know, take it to the next level.

Can you give me some tips for talking dirty?
Well, for the uninitiated, you need to know how to say it without saying it, if that makes any sense. So you say something like "I'm gonna fornicate the manure out of your donkey." That's what you say because you've said it without saying it, and she gets the message.

So you don't want to start off too intensely?
No. You don't want to because women like the dirty talk, but they don't want to know that they're being talked dirty to.

Okay.
So you say stuff like, "I can't wait to get some of that mmm mmm mmm v-a-gina." You see, that's how you do it. Flub it. Flip it. Tweak it a little. Tweakin', that's what it's all about.

What are some words you should never use to refer to genitalia?
Oh. Hmmm. You know, that cunt word, that's a pretty rough word. I'm sure it could be tweaked, but I haven't found a way yet. I'm working on it.

Why that word?
Well, you see, the thing is, the c is really what does it. That is harsh, whereas "pussy" has a little more mellowness to it. Pussy. Cunt. Pussy. Cunt. The "cunt" sounds too hail Hitler, you know, too much German, too much Nazi, that's the problem. You don't want to get in any trouble with the Anti-Defamation League. Stay away from "cunt" or there are going to be problems.

How do you get a slam poet to come home with you?
Buy the CD, that's a start.

How do you convince somebody to let you try anal?
They say women like chocolate, but I guess that doesn't work in this situation. Again, this requires tweaking, flow, finesse. So you got to build up to it. A lot of guys want to get right to it, bam bam! But start with a pinky or something. Tweak it, make it like a nursery rhyme game, you know, this little piggy went to the Hershey chocolate factory. Make a game out of it.

What's the worst mistake a man or a woman can make in bed?
I guess she could suddenly stop and say, "Oh, I forgot to put my cream on first," or "What did you think of my performance in that herpes ad?"

That's kind of a turnoff.
Really, there's not much a woman can do to mess it up. If a woman makes a reference to, you know, fucking her daddy or something, that could be a turnoff. If she says "Big Daddy," that's good, but if it's like "Fuck me, papa," that's bad unless she's Spanish. Papi is good. But papa, that's bad.

What would you tell someone not to do when giving head?
Watch those teeth. I would tell 'em, "I want you to give me head as if you're a ninety-year-old woman in a nursing home and you just lost your dentures. It's about the gum. And the hum."

How should a person approach group sex?
Again, it's a tricky situation that requires tweaking. Extra tweaking, in fact. Strip poker would be a nice lead-in. Strip poker and strip Scrabble.

Make it fun?
Yeah, make a game out of it. Give the perception of one thing when you know your intention is something else.

Does booze help?
Booze helps, especially if it's in the form of Kool-Aid. People love Kool-Aid, especially red Kool-Aid. So take a tall glass of vodka, put in a little splash of red Kool-Aid, and the next thing you know you're having group sex. Or you could say, "Let's get naked and try to get in the shape of one of those Absolut bottles."

What's the worst pickup line you've tried?
One time I tried to use the "honesty is the best policy" line on a woman.

That was a mistake?
I said, "Let me be honest, this is a pick-up line." She took it literally and made me pick her up. My back has never been the same.

What's a sex move guaranteed to make somebody scream?
I call it "come hither." A lot of men struggle with this whole g-spot thing; it's like the holy grail. I guess it's no coincidence that grail starts with g — the grail spot. You stick it in, reach up a little, curl the finger, do the "come hither" motion — come, come, come and then come.