Everybody farts

Jeff Vogel outlines how he potty-trained his daughter:

...First, we bought Cordelia books on how to use the potty. Every parent is expected to buy at least one of these gruesome horrorshows, which consists of adorable drawings of smiling moppets grunting away on the toilet in return for unconditional love. If I’d seen one of these books three years ago, I would have given myself a vasectomy with a ballpoint pen right there on the spot.

Second, we started putting her on the toilet several times a day. We got this special seat you can put on top of the regular toilet seat to keep the baby from falling in. If babies fall in the toilet and get flushed, they breed in the sewers.

Then, when she is on the toilet, Mariann and I stare at her and helpfully say, “Pee? Poo? How about Pee?” If Cordelia urinates, she gets one chocolate chip. If she craps, she gets three. Because I don’t know about you, but I don’t go out of my way to do anything unless I’m paid for it.

Also, sometimes, Cordelia only farts. When this happens, she smiles and brightly says, “Farrrrrrt! Chocolate?” This is the cutest thing that has ever happened in the history of the world...

If you didn't laugh hysterically when you read that, then I don't want to be your friend.